The Perfect Charmed Episode

 

Pre Credit. Kitchen Manor.

 

Piper is sitting at the table drinking coffee, her hair is loose and she is wearing a light blue top, with just enough of a scoop to realise she has boobs but not low enough to see them.

 

Phoebe comes into the kitchen. She is wearing a long neutral coloured smock which covers her from neck to knee. You cannot see her arms, her tattoos, her boobs or whether she is fat or thin. She is also wearing a scarf so you cannot see her hair.

 

(In between takes, Brad Kern whispers to Eilish, that Alyssa looks pretty weird, Eilish whispers back that they have to make her look that way because some fans only watch the show to bitch about how Phoebe looks)

 

Phoebe

Morning-

Piper

Morning, how are you

Phoebe

Iím fine but I really miss Prue. I lay awake all last night, worrying people would think it was my fault she died. I am really sorry she died. I miss Prue

Piper emoting with her eyes

I miss Prue too

 

     Filming stops while everybody claps Hollyís acting_____

 

Paige enters, wearing a mid thigh skirt, sensible shoes and a neat white very low cut blouse

(Eilish to Brad,-fans said they liked her legs, but she ought to wear more sensible clothes and show more boobs-)

 

Paige

Morning. Did I hear you say you miss Prue. Donít you love me

Piper and Phoebe together

Of course we love you

 

They get up and hug Paige and hug Paige and hug Paige and hug Paige.

Piper, still hugging Paige

Of course we love you. Sisters are the most important people in the world

Phoebe still hugging Paige

Sisters are the most important thing in the world, more important than jobs, and sex and saving innocents, and men and demons, and food, and clothes and sex, and housework and I did mention sex didnít I

Piper

We had better check that nothing evil is happening in San Francisco.

Phoebe

Iíll go to the attic and scry

As she walks toward the hall she passes a cardboard cut out of Cole in the background. Half his face is shaven and half isnít. He is not wearing a shirt, half his chest is shaved, half isnít. Phoebe stops and kisses him on the lips hard, her hands on his chest.

(-Kissing?- Whispers Bradís assistant to him. -Yeah-says Brad- Some fans like it, as long as there are no body fluids exchanged.- Alyssa hears this, she carefully wipes away the saliva dripping down Coleís cardboard chest with her sleeve, hoping no-one will notice)

Phoebe exits.

(Alyssa walks around the set.-Bye Ėshe says to Brad as she walks past him. -See you in ten days when we shoot the last scene-

Bradís assistant stares ĖYouíre paying her $80,000 an episode for that-

He nods sadly-The fans thought the show had to much Phoebe, but they want more sister moments and power of three spells so what can we do-)

 

End pre credit

Opening credits.

Starring

 

a)     1 picture of Alyssa ďAlyssa MilanoĒ in size 4 font print

b)     5 pictures of Rose, ďRose McGowanĒ in normal print

c)      5 minutes of pictures /f Holly ďAND HOLLY MARIE COMBSĒ in size 100 font

d)     3 pictures of Brian ďBrian Krauseí

e)     (in the background is a very sexy picture of Julian with ďJulian McMahonĒ in size 2 font)

 

Act 1. Parlour.

 

Piper is in the foreground, Paige stands behind her, half obscured, you can see her boobs. Over in the background is the card board cut out of Cole, still shirtless, and even though it is fuzzy you can still tell he has very blue eyes.

 

Leo wearing a neat blue sweater orbs in. He pecks Piper on the cheek.

 

(Eilish to Brad-Got to colour co-ordinate those partners, so every-body knows who belongs to who-)

 

Leo

This is really important. You are going to be attacked by demons

 

Piper Ėemoting-

Demons are coming here. How does evil know where we live. OMG how am I ever going to have a normal life

 

_________ Filming stops while everybody claps Hollyís acting_____

 

Leo

Well evil knows where you live because

 

He glances at Cole in the background

 

Leo

Cole used to be an evil demon, and in episode 3.2 also known as Magic Hour  you and Phoebe bought some books and Cole switched the books and got the purchase slip with our address on it and because he was also evil Belthezor, he told the Triad what your address was and they wrote it in the daily log and so now demons only have to look up the daily log archive to find it-

 

Paige

Gee I really needed to know that

 

Leo grins happily

 

(Brian tries to feel his tongue which has gone numb from all that exposition)

 

Piper  

Did you get any information from the Elders

 

Leo

Yes

 

(Brian takes a deep breath, praying he get through it all, without choking)

 

Leo

The Elders understand that you vanquished the Source in episode 4.13, 4.20 and 4.21, but although he was the Source of all evil, he wasnít the fountain of all evil, which actually means that evil can be recycled in another form, albeit weaker than before, but it still exists because you remember in episode 3.22 you said evil was insidious, and you also know that evil can turn even good evil because that happened in episode 1.5,1.6,1.7,1.9-.22, 2.2, 2.4, 2.6, 2.9, 2.10, 2.11,2.14, 2.16-2.22, 3.1-3.6, 3.9-3.22, 4.1-4.22.

 

Paige

What happened in 3.7 and 3.8.

 

Leo smiles (as Brian tries to catch his breath). He glances at Cardboard Cole in the background-

Oh evil turned good

 

Paige

Oh

 

Leo

and of course we knows the Elders as creatures of another realm have a different perspective of good and evil. They see the bigger pictureÖ..

 

Piper raises her hands and freezes him

 

__________ Filming stops while all the fans who donít give a damn about continuity but want the story to move on clap Holly/ oops confusing the actress with the character, Piper______

 

Piper to Paige

We better go mix a potion

 

They exit, leaving Leo frozen.

 

(Brian still pretending to be frozen risks a glance at Cole in the background. He thinks Julian has it easy. He only has to stand there like a cardboard cut out and as long as he is not wearing a shirt every-one thinks he is a great actor. ĖNot fair-mutters Brian under his breath-Do you think any-one could create a likable and well defined character while choking out that bloody exposition and not be a good actor-)

 

Scene Kitchen.

 

Piper and Paige make a potion

 

Paige

What I like about making potions is how well you can bond with sisters while you do it-

 

Piper Ėemoting with her eyes-

Yes. I miss that with Prue, the way she used to stand there in skimpy tops with her nipples showing, telling me exactly what to do, getting four lines to one of mine, but she was a good sister, a good friend, once every four episodes she let me get the punchline

Piper sighs.

 

_________ Filming stops while everybody claps Hollyís acting_____

 

Paige

But donít you love me.

 

Piper

Yes I do love you. Its Alyssa I hate, no oops its Phoebe . Confusing the actress with the character again. No I donít really hate her, its just that she is the one they always use as the focal point for dramatic development, the character who moves the story direction along, like she did right from the beginning and when you hate change you always blame the creator of the change, so its okay to be really nasty to Alyssa oops I mean Phoebe, you know what I mean.

 

Paige

Piper youíre babbling. There is no precedent for you babbling. You are to gorgeous, and pretty and clever and witty and smart to babble

 

Leo entering the kitchen unfrozen-

Actually there is a precedent. In episode 3.12 both Prue and Phoebe said Piper babbled when she was nervous, and you know that was when Shannen was on the show and the continuity and quality of the show was absolutely superb because she was totally responsible for it

 

Paige

Oh but you do love me

 

Piper

Yes we do love you

 

Piper hugs Paige and hugs Paige and hugs Paige and hugs Paige and hugs Paige. Leo stares at the ceiling.

 

Piper

But you arenít Prue.

 

The potion boils over, the yellow kitchen becomes purple splattered kitchen.

 

Paige and Piper and Leo pull funny faces.

 

End of scene.

 

(Stage hand who has to clean up the mess wonders why they waste time and money blowing goo all over the set.  Then he remembers that some fans only watch the show to bitch about lousy special effects )

 

 

Act 2. Conservatory.

 

Piper and Paige sit around the table drinking product placed Perrier water or at least something contained in a product placed Perrier bottle. Piper is in the foreground, slightly obscuring Paige. Behind them, no matter what angle this scene is filmed from, Cole is in the background. He is wearing a towel. Fans who fast forward through the episode 30 times just to see the Cole scenes, notice that the towel gets lower and smaller as the act progresses.

 

Paige

I really should be at work. My contract says that if I donít show up once a fortnight, my boss can be rude to me and they will deduct 10 cents from my pay.

 

Piper

Have you forgotten, you donít have to go to work they are painting the office

 

Paige

I thought that it was Phoebe who didnít go to work last week because they were painting the office

Piper

Yes and Cole the week before

She glances at Cole in the background. Her eye level is just about in line with the top of the towel. She sighs.

 

(-Cut- yells the director-Holly we have already done the older sister falls Cole but nobly keeps it to herself bit. We arenít going there again )

They repeat the line)

 

Piper

Yes and Cole the week before

 

She does not glance at Cole in the background-

 

_________ Filming stops while everybody claps Hollyís acting_____

 

Three demons flame in. They are all bald males with long moustaches and correct ethnic diversity.  Paige zaps one with a lightning bolt. Piper stares at Paige. The other two move toward her. Piper recovers and freezes the demons.

 

Leo orbs in

 

Piper

What the hell happened-

Leo-

Paigeís new power of the week

Piper

Crap

 

Paige smiles. Piper moves to the foreground to slightly obscure her.

 

Paige

What do we do now

Piper-

_________ Filming stops while everybody claps Hollyís acting_____

 

She flicks a hand. Demon 2ís head unfreezes.

 

Piper

You are going to answer me and answer me now.

Demon 2

You canít make me talk

 

Piper makes a snip and cut motion with her hand.

 

Demon 2

What do you want to know?

Piper

I want to know if your friend was a lower level demon how come he did not explode in a hail of green goo

 

Scene is disrupted by the all but naked Cardboard Cole in the background ducking for cover.

 

Demon 2:

Well the real reason is that they used a computer generated image from season one when no-one had thought about demons bleeding red or green but the magic reason is that in there are lower level lower level demons, who only go up in flames and leave no trace, and this one was sent along to be cannon fodder.

 

Leo shaking his head

Why didnít I think of that?

 

Piper

Crap

_________ Filming stops while fans who donít give a damn about continuity applaud Holly/Piper whoever the hell she is__

 

Demon 2:

Iím here to tell you that if you show us where the grimoire is, we will never attack you again and you can have normal lives.

 

Demon 3 unfreezes. Piper gestures grandly. He blows up with a spray of green goo.

 

(There is a slight halt to filming as the near naked Cardboard Cole in the background mutters ĖCrikey, Stone the bloody Crows Mate that green goo is worse than wax on chest hair-

The director yells- Julian, Cole has a Boston accent not Australian one. Ė

Brad whispers to his assistant.-I told Julian to slip the Australian accent in every now and again. The fans love it-)

 

Piper

Go back and tell the new source, or the faction leader or the Gang of Four or whatever the hell you call the new guy

 

Demon 2

We call him Ralph

 

Piper

Never

 

Demon 2 flames out

 

Paige whispering to Leo 

Who the hell thinks up these demon names?

 

Leo looks up

 

Cardboard Cole in the background looks down.

 

(Cut-calls the director. He signals to the stage hands who carry in the another version of Cardboard Cole to go in the background. Brad notices that this cut out is full frontal naked.- You canít show full frontal nudity on this show-he yells at the director.

-But Brad Ėsays the director Ėit will increase the ratings, Alyssa is coming in today just to do this scene in matching costume, we could pick up a whole lot of hetero guys, gay guys, post teeny bopper women and lesbian women.-

Bradís eyes light up a minute, then he turns to the director- No- he says Ė we have to protect our pre-teen audience-

Bradís female assistant watches them carry out the full frontal nude, so do Holly and Rose, so does the eighty year old grandmother of the first assistant to the assistant fireman who was sneaked on to the set that day and the hairdresser Fred.

The female assistant turns to Brad- Donít you want to increase the ratings.-

Brad sighs- Yeah but none of those demographics buy the stuff that is advertised on this show. So increasing them doesnít make one damn dollar more-

The director comes up to Brad.-That damn dummy cost us a fortune- he snaps.

_Oh shut up and sell it on E-Bay-says Brad-)

 

Back to filming

 

Piper emoting with her eyes

It would be nice to be normal. Prue would still be alive if we were normal.

_________ Filming stops while everybody claps Hollyís acting_____

 

End of act

 

Editorís note: Shortly after this episode was filmed it was reported in Yahoo news that E-Bay went off line, when it blew out its bandwidth due to a bidding war in the Charmed section. Totally unrelated was a news item that reported a global increase in the rate of mortgages and over drafts taken out by women of all ages.

 

 

Act 3.

 

Stock footage of San Francisco.

 

Move to Paige and Piper walking down a hilly street. Leo walks behind them.  (Brian has to keep slowing down so he does not crash into Rose who is wearing very high heels. -The fans like high heels- whispers Eilish to Brad as they stand to one side) There are three palm trees in the background.

 

Piper

Are you sure this is where Phoebe said the demon would be

Paige

Yes there is a pile of boxes over there and that is where demonís usually hang out.

 

They wander over to the boxes.

 

Four demons spring out from behind them. One backhands Leo into the boxes. Piper freezes two of them but the other two flame out and reappear behind Paige. She orbs out. They flame out. Paige orbs back in. They play orb and seek for 3 minutes of the 8 minute act.

 

Ten more demons appear, Piper blows them up, 4 windows of surrounding building blow up glass shatters everywhere.

 

 In the background, Cole can be seen.  He is wearing a sexy black suit and standing in the shadowed area. Cole himself is illuminated by the 100 watt globe he is holding in his hand.

 

(What in the hell is that in his hand-asks Bradís assistant.

Brad shrugs-Cole fans hate him without any power)

 

7 more demons appear. Phoebe arrives and levitates to knock three unconscious.

 

(Filmed it in front of a green screen last week-Brad mutters to his assistant)

 

Leo jumps out of the boxes, holding a large sword, he fights four at once then in one sweep decapitates all of them.

 

(The assistant looks enquiringly at Brad-I thought he was a pacifist, we have continuity issues here. -The fans want Leo to be less useless-Brad answers)

 

Leoís eyes flame black. Black mist spews out of his mouth and back into Cole in the background

 

Leo to himself-

Wheew Iím glad I am no longer possessed and can be my usual pacifist self.

 

Cardboard Cole in the background-

Iím glad I can save my Phoebe one more time

 

(I love continuity Ėsays Bradís assistant to no-one in particular)

 

Leoís sits on the curb. Piper sprains her thumb blowing up a demon. Leo fixes it.

 

Phoebe, Paige and Piper run together. They recite:

The power of three

Will set us free

Us three sisters intone

This will be a demon free zone

 

(-Alyssa is here-asks Bradís assistant.

-Filmed it in front of a green screen last week-Brad mutters)

 

Demons blow up everywhere. Green goo and black particles fill the screen, as orbs light up the area.

 

Dissolve to empty street with only Cardboard Cole in the background.  Camera focuses in on Coleís face for close-up.

 

(What is happening Ėsays Bradís assistant- I thought you were listening to all the fans who said they wanted Cole in the background.

-I know, I know Ė said Brad- but Julian wouldnít sign the new contract unless he got at least one close up per show and some fans said they would not watch the show if he was not on it. Sometimes you just have to do something that upsets some fans to keep the others happy)

 

(As the crew pack up to go back to the studio, Holly wanders over to Rose-What the hell was that act all about-she says

-All I know- says Rose -is that some fans say they will not watch the show unless there is one really long scene where the girls beat up on men oops.. I mean demons

-Crap Ėsays Holly)

_________ Work stops while everybody claps Holly Ďcause even people who donít like fans who get agro about Holly, luv Holly___

 

 

Act 4 The Manor Parlour.

 

Leo orbs into the parlour.  Piper and Paige are sitting together holding hands

 

Paige

I am so glad I have a family and can share these sister moments.

 

Piper, moving so she slightly obscures Paige-

Me to. Sisters are more important than anything. I do love you..  and um um you know um  Phoebe but I miss Prue. Did I mention I miss Prue.

Paige

Only about 10 times. I think you are coming to terms with Prueís death.  I know sisters are the most important but I do like sex too. Is it okay to like sex too.

Piper

Donít push it

Leo sighs

 

The girls stare at the fire

 

Leo sighs louder

 

The girls stare at the fire

 

Leo jumps up and down

 

Piper

What is it Leo

Leo

The elders sent me to warn you that Ralph is going to come here and attack the manor

Paige

How do they know?

Leo

Because in their realm they have a mirror that is like an Internet live action camera that lets them know everything going on in hell.

Paige

Then why the hell donít they tell us everything thatís going on down there.

Leo

Privacy laws

Piper

Shut up with the bloody continuity crap-

_________ Filming stops while Cardboard Cole who is standing in the background wearing tight black pants, a black leather jacket and black silk John Travolta shirt  and showing a large expanse of chest hair  claps Piper/Holly Ďcause even Cole/Julian loves Piper/Holly

 

Rumble of thunder, flash of lightning

 

Ralph, a really scary demon who looks a lot like Michael Bailey Smith, flames in.

 

He fires an energy ball at Leo

 

Piper tries to freeze him but he laughs

 

MBS (aka as Ralph)

Hahahah Silly witch you canít vanquish me. I keep coming back no matter what any dumbass producer says.

 

Piper:

Phoebe, Phoebe, Phoebe

MBS (aka as Ralph) fires an energy ball at Paige who disintegrates in orbs.

_________ Filming stops while everybody claps Hollyís acting_____

 

MBS (aka as Ralph) fires energy balls everywhere

 

Piper:

Phoebe, Phoebe, Phoebeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

 

_________ Filming stops while everybody claps Hollyís acting_____

 

Energy Balls wreck the clock in the hall, the dining room table, the closet in the living room, the banister.

 

Piper:

 Phoebe, Phoebe, Phoebeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

 

_________ Filming stops while everybody tells Holly to shut the hell up________

 

Phoebe runs down the stairs, wearing a really tight  pink top that has long sleeves and a high neck but clearly show she has boobs and nipples. Her hair is now blond and long.

 

(-How did she grow her hair so fast-says Bradís assistant

-Magic- he replies with a mysterious smile)

 

Phoebe arrives in the parlour to see fire an energy ball at Cole who is still in the background but close to the fire and another at Piper. She hesitates for a second, takes a step toward Cole, then throws herself in front of Piper. Piper catches her as she takes the energy ball in the back. Piper throws Phoebe at Leo who has orbed in behind them. He catches Phoebe and heals her.

 

Piper approaches MBS (aka as Ralph) blowing him up again and again.

 

Finally he has had enough

 

MBS (aka as Ralph)

Iíll be back

 

He flames out.

 

Phoebe to Paige

What just happened

Paige

I think we just saw a club owner who has to pay the bills to repair the furniture in this house

 

Phoebe still in Leoís arms glances toward Cole in the background . He is lying half in the fire. The leather jacket is smouldering.

 

She runs across to pull Cole out of the flames, in the background. In the foreground Leo pecks Piper on the cheek (face version)

 

 

In the background, Phoebe and Cole kiss. Cole still smoulders.

 

(Julian and Alyssa glance off set. They notice while Brad is not watching them every-one else is, even though they are in the background. They manage to exchange some saliva. They both giggle.)

 

In the foreground, Leo and Piper as they watch Cole and Phoebe. Piper sighs

 

Piper

How come we canít do that

Leo

We arenít allowed to exchange body fluids

Piper

Then how did I get pregnant

Leo

There is a precedent.

 

Piper bitch slaps Leo.  In her best Sean Connery imitation

 

Piper

Donít blaspheme

 

_________ Filming stops while everybody claps Hollyís acting_____

 

Paige

I think I will orb over to the barrier reef to find Glen.

 

Piper

Remember sisters are more important than sex.

Paige

God I wish I was an only child.

 

 

Closing scene.

 

Piper wearing leather slacks and halter top that covers her boobs, Phoebe wearing tight pants and a see through blouse with a black bra underneath that barely covers anything and Paige wears a really short skirt and a halter top, which clearly shows she is not wearing a bra and does have nipples.

 

All standing under the hall chandelier.

 

(Brad to his assistant as he looks at Rose. ĖGod Iím glad we have reverse cycle air conditioning. No actress should be forced to work in temperatures over 55 degrees Fahrenheit)

 

Blue light steams out of the chandelier as the sisters hug close together in a scene that ought to be about sisterly bonding but looks strangely like a similar scene in a soft porn movie called  Teenage Boys and their Lesbian sister fantasies.

 

Leo standing on the stairs and Cole looking really sexy in black but in the background exchange glances, smile and sigh. It could be because in this fantasy world they both understand why their partners think sisters are more important than them but it could also be because they both used to be teenage boys.

 

Postscript. A Month later.

 

(Brad Kern as he surveys the ratings on that episode,  to his assistant.

-I donít understand. We put everything into that episode that the fans wanted. It should have been the best rating episode ever. Not the worst.-

Bradís assistant just smiled.)