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The Perfect Charmed Episode |
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The Perfect Charmed Episode |
Pre
Credit. Kitchen Manor.
Piper is sitting at the table drinking coffee, her hair is loose and she is wearing a light blue top, with just enough of a scoop to realise she has boobs but not low enough to see them.
Phoebe comes into the kitchen. She is wearing a long neutral coloured smock which covers her from neck to knee. You cannot see her arms, her tattoos, her boobs or whether she is fat or thin. She is also wearing a scarf so you cannot see her hair.
(In between takes, Brad Kern whispers to Eilish, that Alyssa looks pretty weird, Eilish whispers back that they have to make her look that way because some fans only watch the show to bitch about how Phoebe looks)
Phoebe
Morning-
Piper
Morning, how are you
Phoebe
I’m fine but I really miss Prue. I lay awake all last night, worrying people would think it was my fault she died. I am really sorry she died. I miss Prue
Piper emoting with her eyes
I miss Prue too
Filming stops while everybody claps Holly’s acting_____
Paige enters, wearing a mid thigh skirt, sensible shoes and a neat white very low cut blouse
(Eilish to Brad,-fans said they liked her legs, but she ought to wear more sensible clothes and show more boobs-)
Paige
Morning. Did I hear you say you miss Prue. Don’t you love me
Piper and Phoebe together
Of course we love you
They get up and hug Paige and hug Paige and hug Paige and hug Paige.
Piper, still hugging Paige
Of course we love you. Sisters are the most important people in the world
Phoebe still hugging Paige
Sisters are the most important thing in the world, more important than jobs, and sex and saving innocents, and men and demons, and food, and clothes and sex, and housework and I did mention sex didn’t I
Piper
We had better check that nothing evil is happening in San Francisco.
Phoebe
I’ll go to the attic and scry
As she walks toward the hall she passes a cardboard cut out of Cole in the background. Half his face is shaven and half isn’t. He is not wearing a shirt, half his chest is shaved, half isn’t. Phoebe stops and kisses him on the lips hard, her hands on his chest.
(-Kissing?- Whispers Brad’s assistant to him. -Yeah-says Brad- Some fans like it, as long as there are no body fluids exchanged.- Alyssa hears this, she carefully wipes away the saliva dripping down Cole’s cardboard chest with her sleeve, hoping no-one will notice)
Phoebe exits.
(Alyssa walks around the set.-Bye –she says to Brad as she walks past him. -See you in ten days when we shoot the last scene-
Brad’s assistant stares –You’re paying her $80,000 an episode for that-
He nods sadly-The fans thought the show had to much Phoebe, but they want more sister moments and power of three spells so what can we do-)
Opening
credits.
a) 1 picture of Alyssa “Alyssa Milano” in size 4 font print
b) 5 pictures of Rose, “Rose McGowan” in normal print
c) 5 minutes of pictures /f Holly “AND HOLLY MARIE COMBS” in size 100 font
d) 3 pictures of Brian “Brian Krause’
e) (in the background is a very sexy picture of Julian with “Julian McMahon” in size 2 font)
Act
1. Parlour.
Piper is in the foreground, Paige stands behind her, half obscured, you can see her boobs. Over in the background is the card board cut out of Cole, still shirtless, and even though it is fuzzy you can still tell he has very blue eyes.
Leo wearing a neat blue sweater orbs in. He pecks Piper on the cheek.
(Eilish to Brad-Got to colour co-ordinate those partners, so every-body knows who belongs to who-)
Leo
This is really important. You are going to be attacked by demons
Piper –emoting-
Demons are coming here. How does evil know where we live. OMG how am I ever going to have a normal life
_________
Filming stops while everybody claps Holly’s acting_____
Leo
Well evil knows where you live because
He glances at Cole in the background
Leo
Cole used to be an evil demon, and in episode 3.2 also known as Magic Hour you and Phoebe bought some books and Cole switched the books and got the purchase slip with our address on it and because he was also evil Belthezor, he told the Triad what your address was and they wrote it in the daily log and so now demons only have to look up the daily log archive to find it-
Paige
Gee I really needed to know that
Leo grins happily
(Brian tries to feel his tongue which has gone numb from all that exposition)
Piper
Did you get any information from the Elders
Leo
Yes
(Brian takes a deep breath, praying he get through it all, without choking)
Leo
The Elders understand that you vanquished the Source in episode 4.13, 4.20 and 4.21, but although he was the Source of all evil, he wasn’t the fountain of all evil, which actually means that evil can be recycled in another form, albeit weaker than before, but it still exists because you remember in episode 3.22 you said evil was insidious, and you also know that evil can turn even good evil because that happened in episode 1.5,1.6,1.7,1.9-.22, 2.2, 2.4, 2.6, 2.9, 2.10, 2.11,2.14, 2.16-2.22, 3.1-3.6, 3.9-3.22, 4.1-4.22.
Paige
What happened in 3.7 and 3.8.
Leo smiles (as Brian tries to catch his breath). He glances at Cardboard Cole in the background-
Oh evil turned good
Paige
Oh
Leo
and of course we knows the Elders as creatures of another realm have a different perspective of good and evil. They see the bigger picture…..
Piper raises her hands and freezes him
__________ Filming stops while all the fans who don’t give a damn about continuity but want the story to move on clap Holly/ oops confusing the actress with the character, Piper______
Piper to Paige
We better go mix a potion
They exit, leaving Leo frozen.
(Brian
still pretending to be frozen risks a glance at Cole in the background.
He thinks Julian has it easy. He only has to stand there like a cardboard cut
out and as long as he is not wearing a shirt every-one thinks he is a great
actor. –Not fair-mutters Brian under his breath-Do you think any-one could
create a likable and well defined character while choking out that bloody
exposition and not be a good actor-)
Scene
Kitchen.
Piper and Paige make a potion
Paige
What I like about making potions is how well you can bond with sisters while you do it-
Piper –emoting with her eyes-
Yes. I miss that with Prue, the way she used to stand there in skimpy tops with her nipples showing, telling me exactly what to do, getting four lines to one of mine, but she was a good sister, a good friend, once every four episodes she let me get the punchline
Piper sighs.
_________ Filming stops while everybody claps Holly’s acting_____
Paige
But don’t you love me.
Piper
Yes I do love you. Its Alyssa I hate, no oops its Phoebe . Confusing the actress with the character again. No I don’t really hate her, its just that she is the one they always use as the focal point for dramatic development, the character who moves the story direction along, like she did right from the beginning and when you hate change you always blame the creator of the change, so its okay to be really nasty to Alyssa oops I mean Phoebe, you know what I mean.
Piper you’re babbling. There is no precedent for you babbling. You are to gorgeous, and pretty and clever and witty and smart to babble
Leo entering the kitchen unfrozen-
Actually there is a precedent. In episode 3.12 both Prue and Phoebe said Piper babbled when she was nervous, and you know that was when Shannen was on the show and the continuity and quality of the show was absolutely superb because she was totally responsible for it
Paige
Oh but you do love me
Piper
Yes we do love you
Piper hugs Paige and hugs Paige and hugs Paige and hugs Paige and hugs Paige. Leo stares at the ceiling.
Piper
But you aren’t Prue.
The potion boils over, the yellow kitchen becomes purple splattered kitchen.
Paige and Piper and Leo pull funny faces.
End
of scene.
(Stage hand who has to clean up the mess wonders why they waste time and money blowing goo all over the set. Then he remembers that some fans only watch the show to bitch about lousy special effects )
Act
2. Conservatory.
Piper and Paige sit around the table drinking product placed Perrier water or at least something contained in a product placed Perrier bottle. Piper is in the foreground, slightly obscuring Paige. Behind them, no matter what angle this scene is filmed from, Cole is in the background. He is wearing a towel. Fans who fast forward through the episode 30 times just to see the Cole scenes, notice that the towel gets lower and smaller as the act progresses.
Paige
I really should be at work. My contract says that if I don’t show up once a fortnight, my boss can be rude to me and they will deduct 10 cents from my pay.
Piper
Have you forgotten, you don’t have to go to work they are painting the office
Paige
I thought that it was Phoebe who didn’t go to work last week because they were painting the office
Piper
Yes and Cole the week before
She glances at Cole in the background. Her eye level is just about in line with the top of the towel. She sighs.
(-Cut- yells the director-Holly we have already done the older sister falls Cole but nobly keeps it to herself bit. We aren’t going there again )
They
repeat the line)
Piper
Yes and Cole the week before
She does not glance at Cole in the background-
_________ Filming stops while everybody claps Holly’s acting_____
Three demons flame in. They are all bald males with long moustaches and correct ethnic diversity. Paige zaps one with a lightning bolt. Piper stares at Paige. The other two move toward her. Piper recovers and freezes the demons.
Leo orbs in
Piper
What the hell happened-
Leo-
Paige’s new power of the week
Piper
Crap
Paige smiles. Piper moves to the foreground to slightly obscure her.
Paige
What do we do now
Piper-
_________ Filming stops while everybody claps Holly’s acting_____
She flicks a hand. Demon 2’s head unfreezes.
Piper
You are going to answer me and answer me now.
Demon 2
You can’t make me talk
Piper makes a snip and cut motion with her hand.
Demon 2
What do you want to know?
Piper
I want to know if your friend was a lower level demon how come he did not explode in a hail of green goo
Scene is disrupted by the all but naked Cardboard Cole in the background ducking for cover.
Demon 2:
Well the real reason is that they used a computer generated image from season one when no-one had thought about demons bleeding red or green but the magic reason is that in there are lower level lower level demons, who only go up in flames and leave no trace, and this one was sent along to be cannon fodder.
Leo shaking his head
Why didn’t I think of that?
Piper
Crap
_________ Filming stops while fans who don’t give a damn about continuity applaud Holly/Piper whoever the hell she is__
Demon 2:
I’m here to tell you that if you show us where the grimoire is, we will never attack you again and you can have normal lives.
Demon 3 unfreezes. Piper gestures grandly. He blows up with a spray of green goo.
(There
is a slight halt to filming as the near naked Cardboard Cole in the
background mutters –Crikey, Stone the bloody Crows Mate that green goo is
worse than wax on chest hair-
The
director yells- Julian, Cole has a Boston accent not Australian one. –
Brad
whispers to his assistant.-I told Julian to slip the Australian accent in every
now and again. The fans love it-)
Piper
Go back and tell the new source, or the faction leader or the Gang of Four or whatever the hell you call the new guy
Demon
2
We call him Ralph
Piper
Never
Demon 2 flames out
Paige whispering to Leo
Who the hell thinks up these demon names?
Leo looks up
Cardboard Cole in the background looks down.
(Cut-calls the director.
He signals to the stage hands who carry in the another version of Cardboard Cole
to go in the background. Brad notices that this cut out is full frontal
naked.- You can’t show full frontal nudity on this show-he yells at the
director.
-But Brad –says the
director –it will increase the ratings, Alyssa is coming in today just to do
this scene in matching costume, we could pick up a whole lot of hetero guys, gay
guys, post teeny bopper women and lesbian women.-
Brad’s eyes light up a
minute, then he turns to the director- No- he says – we have to protect our
pre-teen audience-
Brad’s female assistant
watches them carry out the full frontal nude, so do Holly and Rose, so does the
eighty year old grandmother of the first assistant to the assistant fireman who
was sneaked on to the set that day and the hairdresser Fred.
The female assistant turns
to Brad- Don’t you want to increase the ratings.-
Brad sighs- Yeah but none
of those demographics buy the stuff that is advertised on this show. So
increasing them doesn’t make one damn dollar more-
The director comes up to
Brad.-That damn dummy cost us a fortune- he snaps.
_Oh shut up and sell it on
E-Bay-says Brad-)
Back to filming
Piper emoting with
her eyes
It would be
nice to be normal. Prue would still be alive if we were normal.
_________ Filming stops while everybody claps Holly’s acting_____
Editor’s note: Shortly after this episode was filmed it was reported in
Yahoo news that E-Bay went off line, when it blew out its bandwidth due to a
bidding war in the Charmed section. Totally unrelated was a news item that
reported a global increase in the rate of mortgages and over drafts taken out by
women of all ages.
Act 3.
Stock footage of San Francisco.
Move to Paige and Piper walking down a hilly street. Leo walks behind
them. (Brian
has to keep slowing down so he does not crash into Rose who is wearing very high
heels. -The fans like high heels- whispers Eilish to Brad as they stand to one
side) There
are three palm trees in the background.
Piper
Are you sure
this is where Phoebe said the demon would be
Paige
Yes there is a
pile of boxes over there and that is where demon’s usually hang out.
They wander over to the boxes.
Four demons spring out from behind them. One backhands Leo into the
boxes. Piper freezes two of them but the other two flame out and reappear behind
Paige. She orbs out. They flame out. Paige orbs back in. They play orb and seek
for 3 minutes of the 8 minute act.
Ten more demons appear, Piper blows them up, 4 windows of surrounding
building blow up glass shatters everywhere.
In the background,
Cole can be seen. He is wearing a
sexy black suit and standing in the shadowed area. Cole himself is illuminated
by the 100 watt globe he is holding in his hand.
(What in the hell is that
in his hand-asks Brad’s assistant.
Brad shrugs-Cole fans hate
him without any power)
7 more demons appear. Phoebe arrives and levitates to knock three
unconscious.
(Filmed it in front of a green screen last week-Brad mutters to his
assistant)
Leo jumps out of the boxes, holding a large sword, he fights four at once
then in one sweep decapitates all of them.
(The assistant looks
enquiringly at Brad-I thought he was a pacifist, we have continuity issues here.
-The fans want Leo to be less useless-Brad answers)
Leo’s eyes flame black. Black mist spews out of his mouth and back into
Cole in the background
Leo to himself-
Wheew I’m
glad I am no longer possessed and can be my usual pacifist self.
Cardboard Cole in
the background-
I’m glad I
can save my Phoebe one more time
(I love continuity –says
Brad’s assistant to no-one in particular)
Leo’s sits on the curb. Piper sprains her thumb blowing up a demon. Leo
fixes it.
Phoebe, Paige and Piper run together. They recite:
The power of three
Will set us free
Us three sisters intone
This will be a
demon free zone
(-Alyssa is here-asks
Brad’s assistant.
-Filmed it in front of a green screen last week-Brad mutters)
Demons blow up everywhere. Green goo and black particles fill the screen,
as orbs light up the area.
Dissolve to empty street with only Cardboard Cole in the background.
Camera focuses in on Cole’s face for close-up.
(What is happening –says
Brad’s assistant- I thought you were listening to all the fans who said they
wanted Cole in the background.
-I know, I know – said
Brad- but Julian wouldn’t sign the new contract unless he got at least one
close up per show and some fans said they would not watch the show if he was not
on it. Sometimes you just have to do something that upsets some fans to keep the
others happy)
(As the crew pack up to go
back to the studio, Holly wanders over to Rose-What the hell was that act all
about-she says
-All I know- says Rose -is
that some fans say they will not watch the show unless there is one really long
scene where the girls beat up on men oops.. I mean demons
-Crap –says Holly)
_________
Work stops while everybody claps Holly ‘cause even people who don’t
like fans who get agro about Holly, luv Holly___
Act 4 The Manor
Parlour.
Leo orbs into the parlour. Piper
and Paige are sitting together holding hands
I am so glad I have a family and can share these sister moments.
Piper, moving so she
slightly obscures Paige-
Me to. Sisters are more important than anything. I do love you..
and um um you know um Phoebe
but I miss Prue. Did I mention I miss Prue.
Paige
Only about 10 times. I think you are coming to terms with Prue’s death.
I know sisters are the most important but I do like sex too. Is it okay
to like sex too.
Don’t push it
Leo sighs
The girls stare at the fire
Leo sighs louder
The girls stare at the fire
Leo jumps up and down
Piper
What is it Leo
Leo
The elders sent me to warn you that Ralph is going to come here and
attack the manor
Paige
How do they know?
Leo
Because in their realm they have a mirror that is like an Internet live
action camera that lets them know everything going on in hell.
Paige
Then why the hell don’t they tell us everything that’s going on down
there.
Leo
Privacy laws
Piper
Shut up with the bloody continuity crap-
_________ Filming stops while Cardboard Cole who is standing in the background wearing tight black pants, a black leather jacket and black silk John Travolta shirt and showing a large expanse of chest hair claps Piper/Holly ‘cause even Cole/Julian loves Piper/Holly
Rumble of thunder, flash of lightning
Ralph, a really scary demon who looks a lot like Michael Bailey Smith,
flames in.
He fires an energy ball at Leo
Piper tries to freeze him but he laughs
MBS
(aka as Ralph)
Hahahah Silly witch you can’t vanquish me. I keep coming back no matter
what any dumbass producer says.
Piper:
Phoebe, Phoebe, Phoebe
MBS (aka as Ralph) fires an energy ball at Paige who disintegrates in
orbs.
_________ Filming stops while everybody claps Holly’s acting_____
MBS (aka as Ralph) fires energy balls everywhere
Piper:
Phoebe, Phoebe, Phoebeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
_________ Filming stops while everybody claps Holly’s acting_____
Energy Balls wreck the clock in the hall, the dining room table, the
closet in the living room, the banister.
Piper:
Phoebe, Phoebe,
Phoebeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
_________ Filming stops while everybody tells Holly to shut the hell up________
Phoebe runs down the stairs, wearing a really tight
pink top that has long sleeves and a high neck but clearly show she has
boobs and nipples. Her hair is now blond and long.
(-How did she grow her
hair so fast-says Brad’s assistant
-Magic- he replies with a
mysterious smile)
Phoebe arrives in the parlour to see fire an energy ball at Cole who is
still in the background but close to the fire and another at Piper. She
hesitates for a second, takes a step toward Cole, then throws herself in front
of Piper. Piper catches her as she takes the energy ball in the back. Piper
throws Phoebe at Leo who has orbed in behind them. He catches Phoebe and heals
her.
Piper approaches MBS (aka as Ralph) blowing him up again and again.
Finally he has had enough
MBS (aka as Ralph)
I’ll be back
He flames out.
Phoebe to Paige
What just happened
Paige
I think we just saw a club owner who has to pay the bills to repair the
furniture in this house
Phoebe still in Leo’s arms glances toward Cole in the background
. He is lying half in the fire. The leather jacket is smouldering.
She runs across to pull Cole out of the flames, in the background.
In the foreground Leo pecks Piper on the cheek (face version)
In the background, Phoebe
and Cole kiss. Cole still smoulders.
(Julian and Alyssa glance
off set. They notice while Brad is not watching them every-one else is, even
though they are in the background. They manage to exchange some saliva.
They both giggle.)
In the foreground, Leo and Piper as they watch Cole and Phoebe. Piper
sighs
Piper
How come we can’t do that
Leo
We aren’t allowed to exchange body fluids
Piper
Then how did I get pregnant
Leo
There is a precedent.
Piper bitch slaps Leo. In
her best Sean Connery imitation
Piper
Don’t blaspheme
_________ Filming stops while everybody claps Holly’s acting_____
Paige
I think I will orb over to the barrier reef to find Glen.
Piper
Remember sisters are more important than sex.
Paige
God I wish I was an only child.
Closing scene.
Piper wearing leather slacks and halter top that covers her boobs, Phoebe
wearing tight pants and a see through blouse with a black bra underneath that
barely covers anything and Paige wears a really short skirt and a halter top,
which clearly shows she is not wearing a bra and does have nipples.
All standing under the hall chandelier.
(Brad to his assistant as
he looks at Rose. –God I’m glad we have reverse cycle air conditioning. No
actress should be forced to work in temperatures over 55 degrees Fahrenheit)
Blue light steams out of the chandelier as the sisters hug close together
in a scene that ought to be about sisterly bonding but looks strangely like a
similar scene in a soft porn movie called Teenage Boys and their Lesbian sister fantasies.
Leo standing on the stairs and Cole looking really sexy in black but in
the background exchange glances, smile and sigh. It could be because in this
fantasy world they both understand why their partners think sisters are more
important than them but it could also be because they both used to be teenage
boys.
Postscript. A Month later.
(Brad Kern as he surveys
the ratings on that episode, to his
assistant.
-I don’t understand. We
put everything into that episode that the fans wanted. It should have been the
best rating episode ever. Not the worst.-
Brad’s assistant just
smiled.)
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